i have had more nightmares in the past few months than in my entire 28 years of life but last night/this morning took the cake. somehow noel and i had the bright idea to cheat on our spouses with each other. his whole family found out. his aunt told my husband. i could hear noel on the other side of the park, see him holding gabriel and more or less apologizing. i'm just standing there between jen and mike thinking, "is this for real? i can't get out of this?" and somehow mike doesn't fully believe her. or i'm just thinking he doesn't and he doesn't give me reason to believe otherwise but man was that a majorly crappy way to wake up! i don't want this crap replaying in my mind for the rest of the day. nevermind the fact that it would never happen it's just all around disturbing. i need to wash my brain with bleach now.

it is a weird thing to not want children and then realize you had a miscarriage. it's been a few weeks now but i keep replaying everything in my head. i don't know what i feel. mostly i feel numb and strange/distant but other than that i guess i'm just confused.

i always kind of assumed that if i miscarried it would be this way. very early on, me not so sure i was actually pregnant but now that it's happened i realize that it's the aftermath i wasn't prepared for. i keep crying and wanting to cry but i don't really know what i'm crying for. i feel like i want to talk to someone about it but the one person i know who has been through this before i just can't bring myself to talk to about it which is strange since we talk about everything. i feel like i can't tell my mother and if mike thinks/feels anything about it he hasn't said anything to me.

i hate feeling like i'm in emotional limbo but there's no other word to describe where i am. i want this to pass and i know it will just not on my time table.

my carousel scrabble board and tile holders- my friend took the tiles because she had missing letters and i saved some $
i'm positive i've found even better stuff but i can't think of anything else right now

all my faux pas
have been face to face- no one
ever wins that way

now that i've joined _haiku_ this feels like the only way i want to communicate.  i'm counting syllables while i'm driving which is mad and maddening.  it feels like it's been forever since i had a creative thought/burst/surge/inkling.  redoing the family tree b/c of the sudden births in my family does not count.  i think i actually hate doing that project.

is this all because i'm getting older?  i can only imagine the other changes around the corner.p

so i haven't done so well about using this as a personal diary or even a food diary like i thought i might at one time. sucks for me i suppose. so what's on my mind?

hair.

i don't like to think of myself as one of those superficial, self-obsessed females but my hair is getting on my nerves and has been a source of anxiety and frustration for a very long time. my natural hair is curly/wavy like an 's'. my hair has been permed since i was approx. 8 years old though and i am getting to the point that i want to grow it out and try to maintain it on my own without having to make a trip to queens every 2 months to get it "taken care of". travel time alone i would rather spend at home with my husband watching crappy tv. he doesn't seem to care what i do so long as i don't cut it, something i don't want to do either. my mother is against it, esp. since it is fairly inexpensive for me to get my hair done when/how i do now. part of me kept wondering while we were talking if her position is in any way the result of some warped view of "natural" hair. she doesn't like to admit it but my mother is an uppity woman to an extent. why it matters so much what her response was when i'm about to be 28 i can't quite tell you either but hey, that's how it seems to be right now. who know, in 2 years or so i could just say i really don't care and go all out with it. i wish people were reading this and could give me their input but i'm not expecting that to happen. a glass of wine might make this all a little clearer...

happened to me today- and that's perfectly fine by me

got a new  icon from open_the_blinds over at yankee_icons.

am also worried that i might become slight internet stalker- maybe rejoining lj was not the best idea i've had this summer

i got a bunch of golden girls icons from a bunch of lj members, here are the ones i can remember

mediocrechick
thatscarychickzekesmom42

sex, sleep, screaming abt. why i'm mad or just screaming in general.  not all in that order, necessarily.

yeah, i just can't do that.

i mean i could, but it would be corny- i'm not even the girl that thinks she is a great descriptive writer anymore

but i'm posting this in the hopes that one day, i'll be able to do this with confidence

first post back on livejournal.  deleted the last account for a lot of reasons but still haven't quite figured out why i created this new one... i guess i'll just wait and see what i feel like doing.  which is definitely NOT reading for tonight's boring class.